Psalm 139: In the Dark

You have searched me...
You understand my thought...
You scrutinize my path...
Intimately acquainted with all my ways...
You know it all...

There are times when I've read this and felt ashamed that God would have access to all that information. I am so far from perfect, especially in my words and thoughts, and to have a perfect God see a running feed of all of that makes me embarrassed and shocked that He would still love me. And yet today, I find that incredibly comforting. God KNOWS me--intimately, personally, lovingly, mercifully--and he knows it ALL, beyond just me and my kitchen island where I sit and write this. There's a steadiness in being tethered to one who is solid and wise.

If I say, "Surely the darkness will overwhelm me, And the light around me will be night,"
Even the darkness is not dark to You and the night is as bright as the day.

Last night we were finishing up chores at the barn, and what felt like just a few yards away we heard the yipping and tumbling and jawing of coyotes. Like REALLY close. And with the way our valley is shaped, it echos, no joke, like special effects from a horror movie. And while I wanted to offer some protection for my horses (do coyotes eat horses?), I couldn't see them, and though they sounded close, I'm sure they were scattered up the hill further than my senses really understood. Walking through life is like that. It's like standing on my front porch at night with the lights on: I can see where I'm standing, but goodness, it is dark past that porch. There are sounds echoing up to me that I can't place--but God knows all of that, he sees me, my spot, as well as all that is beyond my limited perspective.

Search me, O God, and know my heart; 
Try me and know my anxious thoughts;
And see if there be any hurtful way in me,
And lead me in the everlasting way.

This last year I've gone through a lot of spiritual growth. We've had some challenging times as a family, as well as some amazing moments and opportunities. I am constantly asking God to make me better, grow my faith, burn out my selfishness, and shape my thoughts and words. That's where this blog title comes from: the desire to honestly look at myself, the Word of God, and move forward in faith.

This year my goal has been three-fold (well two-fold, and then I had to add another):
See JOY in everything. Literally everything.
Surrender it ALL to Jesus. Literally everything.
Speak in Love. Yes, literally every word.

Where do you stand in all this? What does this psalm say to you? What weighs on your anxious heart?

Starting this Next chapter

Wow, it's one thing to read about history, but to be living it?

We also understood that our world had gotten smaller, but these last few weeks we have truly experienced the full weight of our global connections.

We've watched as the shelves have gotten emptier, not over a few months, but in moments, those ever-full shelves at our favorite grocery store have been wiped clean.

Trips, parties, meetings, plans...all of them are now tentative as we can't see what the future will hold.

And I had considered homeschooling for like half a second; I guess now I'll get to see if I'm any good at it.

I feel an incredible burden this morning. A responsibility to my boys, to help them academically over the coming weeks, but also to offer character and spiritual growth in light of circumstances that are totally bizarre. I feel a weight for my high school students, knowing I sent some of them out the door yesterday with a small bit of work and no way to contact them (since they don't have internet at home). I also feel I'm supposed to open this blog back up. I love writing--crafting the right words to fit the shape of my thoughts and emotions--and I feel as though this time is a great season to begin again. I began this blog as an opportunity to share my heart about Bible passages, offer truth and encouragement, as well as insight into what I was reading.

I think it will be a beautiful challenge, to walk through this time of uncertainty and reflect on the promises of God. Would love your feedback and thoughts, always! Praying for you and hoping to encourage you!

Unexpected: Beyond Limitations

I am, unfortunately, very critical of myself. It drives my husband nuts because I can tear myself down with a smile on my face. And I don't even realize I'm doing it. There are weaknesses, dark spots, areas that are broken and scarred in my heart and soul, but God doesn't want those to remain that way. He is a Healer.

Christine tells the story of the lame man in the Bible, and when Jesus encounters him, asks, "Do you want to be healed?" (John 5). Kind of a crazy question to ask someone who is sick, like, "Hey bro, I know you've got that bad flu, do you really want to get better?" Um, yes.

However, the crippled man, instead of saying "YES!" gave an excuse. Yeah, the Creator of the Universe, the Messiah, is standing in front of him and he gives an excuse as to why he isn't whole. We do that to. "Jesus knows it's so easy for us to grow accustomed to our limitations--to be defined by them, to make allowances for them--and not really want to pay the price of change. He knows how easy it is for us to settle for where we are and to live a smaller life than what he's called us to." It's easier to stay where we are, to not dig deep and let Jesus repair our brokenness, fill the holes.

And yet, "When Jesus poses his unexpected question to us, we have a choice to make. We can focus on our limitations and problems, or embrace the miraculous possibility he offers us. We can run away saying a loud no, or run forward proclaiming a loud yes."

I want to embrace that choice and proclaim YES! Whether it be working in my soul, my relationships, my children, my career...I want to confront fear, weakness, disillusionment and charge forward in faith and healing. Doesn't that sound awesome? Will it be tough? But "when did God say that it would be easy? When did he say it would be effortless?"

"Closed doors do not mean that God is not opening a way. 
Increased cost does not mean that God is not calling.
The presence of battle does not mean the absence of God in the war.
Trials don't mean we are out of the will of God. In fact, they often mean we are precisely in the center of God's will....When we say yes to God--to the dreams and ideas he places in our hearts--the roads are often winding, uphill, uncharted, and full of pot-holes" but it is ALWAYS worth it. Always. 

Unexpected: Choose Faith Instead of Fear

There has, so far, been one book (besides God's Book) that has powerfully shifted the way I see life. The book rocked me to my core, turning my expectations upside down and changing the entire trajectory and action of my life. That book was Radical by David Platt.

People, this next book is going to rival that book for the amount of influence it has in my life:

Introducing, Unexpected by Christine Caine. 

I LOVE the how she reaches into the dark places of my soul, naming fear, anxiety, and heartache, and shedding such radiant light and hope. Beautiful, heart-breaking, powerful stories showing the unpredictable pain of life, but also how to overcome. In our lives we will face obstacles, set-backs, break-downs, and illness. We know it. And yet it always seems to surprise us. How are we supposed to cope? We all wrestle with these pains, they just look different from person to person: denial, anxiety, hurting others, substances, or self-sabotage.

But there's a different way. A better way.

Christine Caine believes "with all [her] heart that it's possible for every Christian to learn how to live with a faith so confident in God, it can't be shaken--even when the ground underneath is giving way." Because this world is not steady, not predictable, filled with the unexpected. But, "Imagine the difference....If we learned to do the unexpected while facing the unexpected. What if we believed instead of feared in the face of the unknown? What if we courageously moved through loss and disappointment, believing God has purpose for it on the other side? What if we got up every day believe God for the best, knowing we might possibly encounter the worst?"

When we face the unexpected, whether it be betrayal of a friend, the hurt of a diagnosis, the uneasiness of our future, we have a choice: Walk in faith? Or walk in fear? While the events of our lives are often out of our control, we can choose how to respond. "We either feed fear or we feed faith, and [we have] the power to choose which one [to] feed." So let's feed and grow and live in faith! It doesn't mean fear goes away. But that fear has no control.

"And no matter what kind of bubble we try to construct to manage our safety and security--physically, financially, or spiritually--trials and tribulations are going to come just as Jesus warned us. And in our humanness, we will try to control everything--including God. Yet, we serve a God who refuses to be controlled by us. That's because part of the mystery and adventure of following Jesus is to trust him no matter what is going on around us." 

There is so much more from just the first few chapters that I want to share with you...but I hope you are able to pick up this perspective-changing book yourself and see how you can live through the unexpected in faith.