I love beginnings. First steps. New starts. Fresh plans. The beginning of a journey. Milestones. The last series of my blog I posted, I began January 1st and wrote my thoughts through the Bible. That concluded shortly before my munchkin was born and since then, well, let's say I haven't taken the time to really soak in God's word. I've been coasting down the spiritual mountain I was on after such an intense two years of scripture study. But that's okay. Life is all about seasons, Solomon wrote about that.
Which brings me to this post, this moment. It's not a particularly important moment in life. My munchkin isn't turning one, it's not the beginning of the year, or summer, or a new job, etc. and that kind of bugs me, because I want to start in an epic way. But isn't that how God kind of works? He doesn't want us to wait until then (whatever that may be) to begin our relationship with him. We start and walk with God in the middle of our lives: the chaos, the mess, the imperfection, the busyness of life. And that's what this series will be, what God is teaching me in the middle of life.
And where do I start? Since my little man has been born, God has been teaching me so much: patience, selfless love, the nature of worship, the purpose of the church, scripture memorizing, giving, abiding in Him, and so much more. None of these have I truly learned, perfected, or found answers to. Mostly, they are just ideas and questions I've wrestled with.
I'm leading a women's bible study and our first discussion will be on Proverbs 31:10-31, the woman of God. I find my struggles of being a woman of God increasingly difficult the longer I live and the more roles I play. So often women find themselves in a dozen jobs with many expectations placed upon themselves. And this doesn't include the weighty expectations we have for ourselves. I'm a perfectionist in every way: there is no reason for me to make mistakes if I know the right way to do something. Even my thoughts and feelings are not beyond the reach of my unrealistic perfectionism (i.e. I can't believe I even thought/felt that).
As I study this passage on the Proverbs 31 woman, I'm exhausted just reading all she does. Holy moly, I have a lot to catch up on! She makes clothes, brings food from afar, prepares the food, plants, manages, sews, gives, sells, advises, and is never lazy...sheesh. If only she existed, right? I mean, seriously, I do as much of that as I can and well, it's hard. I work, too. I serve at church. How does a mom take care of her family like that? That, my friends, is exactly what I've been learning. I'm prone to selfishness, a victim mentality, when things don't go my way. I think, "Gosh, I've got so much to do. The work never ends. My career is demanding beyond appeasement. My family is busy, and I won't even mention the chaos of our dogs!" These thoughts can easily destroy my day. My attitude will stink like rotting garbage. And I'm the LAST person my husband wants to hang out with.
The truth is, life is hard. Life as a wife, friend, daughter, sister, and a mother challenges every mental, physical, and emotional power I possess. So why would God hold us to such unrealistic expectations? Why would he place this burden on our shoulders? I'm learning that God's burdens feel a whole lot different from the burdens we place on ourselves. God burdens our hearts for others: the lost, the hurting, our friend, neighbor, coworker. It's a burden to love, not a burden of expectation. When life starts feeling heavy, guess what? It usually means I have strayed from the Good Shepherd and am trying to life on my own terms. It's harder. It hurts. It's joyless.
This Proverbs 31 woman is incredible. She loves and serves all day, everyday. How does she do it? Certainly not on her own power. She does it with a heart filled with the power of the Holy Spirit (2 Timothy 1:7) and the love of Jesus. Are we going to accomplish this in our lifetime? Puh-lease. No, and that drives me nuts.
But, why waste my life on myself? (An idea I've been thinking about for awhile.) I want to love my family, and so I will strive to be like (not necessarily achieve) this Proverbs 31 life. My focus must be on my God and my family, not myself. I will try to find the joy in loading the dishwasher for the bazillionth time this week; give grace to my husband and dogs who track in sticky wet grass after I just scrubbed that floor; feel peace when shopping for groceries; find patience trying to figure out how to use the crockpot; and contentment in the washing of the seventeenth load of laundry for the day. Yes, selfishness and perfectionism are no way to live. I'm working on it. Perfect? Ha, no. But trying to be guided by love? You betcha.
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