Psalm 34: All or Nothing

Ask my husband, my attitude is all or nothing" I'm an "I must always..." and "I will never..." kind of person. It probably stems from my Enneagram 1 personality, this pursuit of the right thing, and that there is only one right thing. (I'm slowly learning to be more generous, however).

But that's probably why I love this psalm so much. It's an all or nothing type of attitude about God.

I will bless the Lord at ALL times...
His praise shall CONTINUALLY be in my mouth...
He answered me, and delivered me from ALL my fears...
And saved him out of ALL his troubles...
For those who fear (revere) him there is NO want...
But they who seek the Lord shall not be in want of ANY good thing...

Absolutes can be confining, but in this case, I think they are meant to be incredibly freeing. I find that when I'm not intentionally focused on faith, I compartmentalize God's work in my life. I see him at church. But then the rest of my life I don't invite him in. It's best if he works in ALL areas of our life--that he's the answer to ALL our prayers--that EVERY dicey situation is placed in his control--that we understand that spiritual blessings are WAY better than any material desire.

I guess my goals for the year echo this psalm (totally unintentionally on my part, must be God doing his thing):
Find joy in EVERYthing
Surrender ALL things to Him
Speak lovingly ALWAYS

And then this psalm goes on to teach us how to do this and what this looks like:

Keep your tongue from evil and your lips from speaking deceit.
Depart from evil and do good; Seek peace and pursue it.
Many are the afflictions of the righteous, But the Lord delivers him out of them all. 

Well, crap. That's tough. No hurtful words, do good, have peace--and you'll still have hard times. It's like, thanks for the help, God--and he's like, "Exactly." He reminds us at the end, that He WILL deliver us out of ALL our troubles. We will walk through shadows, darkness, emptiness, loneliness. But God will be there, reaching out His hand to pull us up, provide wisdom for questions we ask, healing for hurts. That gives me such incredible hope, security, and courage to take the next step in life.

What about you? How does this passage challenge your thinking and encourage you?

Psalm 139: In the Dark

You have searched me...
You understand my thought...
You scrutinize my path...
Intimately acquainted with all my ways...
You know it all...

There are times when I've read this and felt ashamed that God would have access to all that information. I am so far from perfect, especially in my words and thoughts, and to have a perfect God see a running feed of all of that makes me embarrassed and shocked that He would still love me. And yet today, I find that incredibly comforting. God KNOWS me--intimately, personally, lovingly, mercifully--and he knows it ALL, beyond just me and my kitchen island where I sit and write this. There's a steadiness in being tethered to one who is solid and wise.

If I say, "Surely the darkness will overwhelm me, And the light around me will be night,"
Even the darkness is not dark to You and the night is as bright as the day.

Last night we were finishing up chores at the barn, and what felt like just a few yards away we heard the yipping and tumbling and jawing of coyotes. Like REALLY close. And with the way our valley is shaped, it echos, no joke, like special effects from a horror movie. And while I wanted to offer some protection for my horses (do coyotes eat horses?), I couldn't see them, and though they sounded close, I'm sure they were scattered up the hill further than my senses really understood. Walking through life is like that. It's like standing on my front porch at night with the lights on: I can see where I'm standing, but goodness, it is dark past that porch. There are sounds echoing up to me that I can't place--but God knows all of that, he sees me, my spot, as well as all that is beyond my limited perspective.

Search me, O God, and know my heart; 
Try me and know my anxious thoughts;
And see if there be any hurtful way in me,
And lead me in the everlasting way.

This last year I've gone through a lot of spiritual growth. We've had some challenging times as a family, as well as some amazing moments and opportunities. I am constantly asking God to make me better, grow my faith, burn out my selfishness, and shape my thoughts and words. That's where this blog title comes from: the desire to honestly look at myself, the Word of God, and move forward in faith.

This year my goal has been three-fold (well two-fold, and then I had to add another):
See JOY in everything. Literally everything.
Surrender it ALL to Jesus. Literally everything.
Speak in Love. Yes, literally every word.

Where do you stand in all this? What does this psalm say to you? What weighs on your anxious heart?

Starting this Next chapter

Wow, it's one thing to read about history, but to be living it?

We also understood that our world had gotten smaller, but these last few weeks we have truly experienced the full weight of our global connections.

We've watched as the shelves have gotten emptier, not over a few months, but in moments, those ever-full shelves at our favorite grocery store have been wiped clean.

Trips, parties, meetings, plans...all of them are now tentative as we can't see what the future will hold.

And I had considered homeschooling for like half a second; I guess now I'll get to see if I'm any good at it.

I feel an incredible burden this morning. A responsibility to my boys, to help them academically over the coming weeks, but also to offer character and spiritual growth in light of circumstances that are totally bizarre. I feel a weight for my high school students, knowing I sent some of them out the door yesterday with a small bit of work and no way to contact them (since they don't have internet at home). I also feel I'm supposed to open this blog back up. I love writing--crafting the right words to fit the shape of my thoughts and emotions--and I feel as though this time is a great season to begin again. I began this blog as an opportunity to share my heart about Bible passages, offer truth and encouragement, as well as insight into what I was reading.

I think it will be a beautiful challenge, to walk through this time of uncertainty and reflect on the promises of God. Would love your feedback and thoughts, always! Praying for you and hoping to encourage you!

Go Set A Watchman: Realizations

Adulting. Growing up. Learning who we are and what we stand for. This transition can be rough, it can take years, and often times what we thought was real ends up not.

Lee's novel is a return to Maycomb, but this time it's different. Jean Louise (Scout) is older, her father's deteriorating health is more evident, and the town continues to put pressures on Jean Louise to conform to the Southern expectations of decorum.

My favorite part of this novel is her relationship with Henry Clinton; in fact, he's my favorite character. He's an ambitious, honest, hard worker who has, through the tutelage of Atticus, brought himself into a respectable position in the community. He understands the ins and outs of Maycomb, the tensions of race and status, and what matters. And he is hopelessly (and perhaps, unfortunately) in love with Jean Louise.

But the story is really about Scout, who is transitioning to a new place. She doesn't understand the people around her, the slowness and "blindness" of the South to move forward. She feels totally out of place, abandoned, and betrayed at the end of the novel and realizes that the one person she trusted, idolized even, to be nothing short of perfect, is different than she imagined:

"What stood behind her, the most potent and moral force in her life, was the love of her father. She never questioned it, never thought about it, never even realized that before she made any decision of importance the reflex, "What would Atticus do?" pass through her unconscious...she did not know that she worshiped him."

And it was time for her to think her own thoughts, as we all must do as we grow and experience life. While I don't think this novel is as well written or engaging as To Kill a Mockingbird, I love that we get to experience another chapter in Scout and Atticus' life in Maycomb.

Unexpected: Beyond Limitations

I am, unfortunately, very critical of myself. It drives my husband nuts because I can tear myself down with a smile on my face. And I don't even realize I'm doing it. There are weaknesses, dark spots, areas that are broken and scarred in my heart and soul, but God doesn't want those to remain that way. He is a Healer.

Christine tells the story of the lame man in the Bible, and when Jesus encounters him, asks, "Do you want to be healed?" (John 5). Kind of a crazy question to ask someone who is sick, like, "Hey bro, I know you've got that bad flu, do you really want to get better?" Um, yes.

However, the crippled man, instead of saying "YES!" gave an excuse. Yeah, the Creator of the Universe, the Messiah, is standing in front of him and he gives an excuse as to why he isn't whole. We do that to. "Jesus knows it's so easy for us to grow accustomed to our limitations--to be defined by them, to make allowances for them--and not really want to pay the price of change. He knows how easy it is for us to settle for where we are and to live a smaller life than what he's called us to." It's easier to stay where we are, to not dig deep and let Jesus repair our brokenness, fill the holes.

And yet, "When Jesus poses his unexpected question to us, we have a choice to make. We can focus on our limitations and problems, or embrace the miraculous possibility he offers us. We can run away saying a loud no, or run forward proclaiming a loud yes."

I want to embrace that choice and proclaim YES! Whether it be working in my soul, my relationships, my children, my career...I want to confront fear, weakness, disillusionment and charge forward in faith and healing. Doesn't that sound awesome? Will it be tough? But "when did God say that it would be easy? When did he say it would be effortless?"

"Closed doors do not mean that God is not opening a way. 
Increased cost does not mean that God is not calling.
The presence of battle does not mean the absence of God in the war.
Trials don't mean we are out of the will of God. In fact, they often mean we are precisely in the center of God's will....When we say yes to God--to the dreams and ideas he places in our hearts--the roads are often winding, uphill, uncharted, and full of pot-holes" but it is ALWAYS worth it. Always.