Psalm 139: In the Dark

You have searched me...
You understand my thought...
You scrutinize my path...
Intimately acquainted with all my ways...
You know it all...

There are times when I've read this and felt ashamed that God would have access to all that information. I am so far from perfect, especially in my words and thoughts, and to have a perfect God see a running feed of all of that makes me embarrassed and shocked that He would still love me. And yet today, I find that incredibly comforting. God KNOWS me--intimately, personally, lovingly, mercifully--and he knows it ALL, beyond just me and my kitchen island where I sit and write this. There's a steadiness in being tethered to one who is solid and wise.

If I say, "Surely the darkness will overwhelm me, And the light around me will be night,"
Even the darkness is not dark to You and the night is as bright as the day.

Last night we were finishing up chores at the barn, and what felt like just a few yards away we heard the yipping and tumbling and jawing of coyotes. Like REALLY close. And with the way our valley is shaped, it echos, no joke, like special effects from a horror movie. And while I wanted to offer some protection for my horses (do coyotes eat horses?), I couldn't see them, and though they sounded close, I'm sure they were scattered up the hill further than my senses really understood. Walking through life is like that. It's like standing on my front porch at night with the lights on: I can see where I'm standing, but goodness, it is dark past that porch. There are sounds echoing up to me that I can't place--but God knows all of that, he sees me, my spot, as well as all that is beyond my limited perspective.

Search me, O God, and know my heart; 
Try me and know my anxious thoughts;
And see if there be any hurtful way in me,
And lead me in the everlasting way.

This last year I've gone through a lot of spiritual growth. We've had some challenging times as a family, as well as some amazing moments and opportunities. I am constantly asking God to make me better, grow my faith, burn out my selfishness, and shape my thoughts and words. That's where this blog title comes from: the desire to honestly look at myself, the Word of God, and move forward in faith.

This year my goal has been three-fold (well two-fold, and then I had to add another):
See JOY in everything. Literally everything.
Surrender it ALL to Jesus. Literally everything.
Speak in Love. Yes, literally every word.

Where do you stand in all this? What does this psalm say to you? What weighs on your anxious heart?