My Testimony

My testimony is about God starting a good work in me. It is about him getting the glory, honor, worship, and praise that he truly deserves from me.
I grew up in a Christian home, went to a Christian church my entire life, and was raised very strongly on Christian principles. I was involved in Sunday school, VBS, and youth groups, and any time there was an event, I was there. In my high school youth group, I was even deemed "the responsible one" and thus became in charge of my friends on trips, lead the bible study, and organized fundraisers and events. In college I was in the praise and worship bad for Crusade and our church and then my senior year, lead that praise band. I was actively involved in the college ministry and most of my friends were in that group as well.
Other than my parent's divorce when I was in high school, I can truly say that my chilldhood was perfect. My parents loved me, I had an ornrey little brother that looked up to me and let me boss him around, I had nice friends, and even had fancy horses to ride whenever I wanted. I had everything I needed and wanted and while I don't think I realized just how blessed I was, I knew that I had a very good life.
But my testimony does not take a tragic turn at this point. While I did make some mistakes, I didn't really struggle with drugs, alcohol, sex. Even with my parent's divorce, I didn't sink into depression, didn't start cutting, had no suicidal thoughts. I didn't feel alone, wasn't rebellious, and I've never doubted God or lost my faith.
However, what I was doing, or should I say wasn't doing, I believe, could be just as dangerous,  just as detrimental as any of those things I listed before.
In high school and college I met some amazing Christians, people who were "on fire," who were "living their life" for The Lord. I was always so honored by their presence. I couldn't wait to become one of those people!
My "little" brother was growing up and as always was my best bud. He was growing in his faith and we would talk about how he was overcoming his struggles and "becoming more like Jesus." He kept telling me that I was an inspiration, but I didn't feel like an inspiration. I felt one-dimensional, and I was being inspired by him. He started using phrases like "the Lord is pouring into my heart" or "the Lord is teaching me" or "the Holy Spirit just led me" and I couldn't help but ask where is that in my heart?
See, growing up, I knew about Jesus, loved him so much, and knew he was my Savior. I had commited myself to The Lord when I was in high school and as I said, I wasn't perfect, but I knew I was a Christian.
Then why was I not "on fire"?
Why was that language, that inspiriation from the Holy Spirit not happening to me, just these "super-Christians" like my brother, around me?
God tells us to love him with all our heart, soul, mind, and strength. Was I doing that?
Did the people I work with even know I was a Christian?
Why was I still struggling with worry, anger, and self-confidence, stuff I struggled with my whole life and had prayed about?
My little brother suggested I read this book called Radical, that he said was a really good read. I'm an English teacher and I'm always looking for good reads. So I downloaded it on my nook and started reading. A few chapters in, I realized something very dangerous. I should stop reading this book that instant if I was satisfied with my life. But if I was not, I needed to keep reading. What this book was about was what scripture ACTUALLY says about following Jesus. I realized that I had been living a very "Americanized Christianity" that consisted of church on Sundays, prayer at meals, and very comfortable, middle class living. What Jesus wanted me to do was to actually follow him, his example.
Why had I not been "on fire"? Because I had not been fanning the flame with reading scipture.
Why was the language and inspiriation from the Holy Spirit not happening to me like those "super Christians"? Because I wasn't filling my mind with God's Word.
Was I loving God with all my heart, soul, mind and strength? Definitely not.
Did the people I work with know I was a Christian? Sure, a "Christian" who believes that church on Sunday is it. But not a follower of The Lord Jesus.
Why was I still struggling with worry, anger, and self-confidence? Because I was not seeking Jesus in a way to rid myself of my human problems and filling myself with him.
See, my problem was I wasn't filling myself with Jesus through God's word. I realized that if I was fine with a ineffective, mediocre Christian life, then I could continue on the path I was going. But if I was going to surrender my heart and life to Jesus, REALLY surrender my heart to Jesus, then I need to do something radical.
I needed to start reading my Bible. Since that realization almost 2 years ago, I have read through the Bible once, and will finish it a second time late August, something I had always wanted to do but never had the determination or faithfulness to accomplish. I am pouring over God's word on a daily basis. My life is completely different. Now I really do live for The Lord and I'm not just some "Christian" who doesn't do anything for God's kingdom. I don't struggle as much with worry, anger, and self-confidence because I've allow Jesus to do surgery on my heart and soul. I'm not relying on my pastor to fill me up on Sundays, but getting really filled from the very words of God during my own time.
Hezekiah in 2 Kings 22 is a wonderful example of this. The Israelites had been living their own way for a long time. Hezekiah decides that the temple needs to be cleaned out and while organizing it, the Priest finds the Book of God's Law, God's word. As soon as Hezekiah hears what is written in it, he is shocked, amazed, a filled with sorrow because what the people had been doing was so far from what God's word actually said. That very day he called everyone together and they made their lives right before The Lord.
Psalm 19:7-8 "The Law of The Lord is perfect; it gives us new life. His teachings last forever, and they give wisdom to ordinary people. The Lord's instruction is right; and it makes our hearts glad. His commands shine brightly, and they give us light."